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update: Depression was useful?Chris Lakin·February 24, 2024Read full storyI was depressed from about 2022 April to 2022 November; I think there were two overlapping depressions there, and in this post I want to write about the first one. This depression had much to do with being unwilling to feel. The general sense was one of…"why do anything?", "why learn anything?""why work?""i don't know what i want to do. — am i even interested in anything anyway?"a fear of "trusting" my intrinsic motivations ("because i might get uncontrollably sucked in to doing something trivial, like those mathematicians who work on all that trivial stuff just because they're 'just following their interest'")some general anhedonia towards most activities"efficiency mindset" ; "everything i do has to be useful"not experiencing feelings in my bodygenerally, needing a 'rational reason' to do things, instead of needing a reason *not* to do thingsDuring this time I also noticed that it was not (and maybe never had b...
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Chris Lakin
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